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African Love OnlineLured by promises of finding true love on the World Wide Web, I recently succumbed - against my better judgment, I might add - to surfing online dating services. The success stories posted served to bolster my resolve. After all, I said to myself, what could be worse than wearing three inch stilettos and braving the single bar scene. An hour and a packet of mint chocolate cookies later, I stumbled on to a site that promised to be my savior from singledom. The “ten-page essay” required of all prospective applicants was daunting to say the least. It appeared to me that finding love online was not so different from applying for a car loan; it required a lot of irritating paperwork. The Internet - A Revolutionary ToolRegardless of your thoughts on online dating, you must admit that the Internet has been the single most revolutionary tool in this decade. It has done for the 90’s what mind-bending drugs did for the 60’s; open new portals of communication. The web is no longer a world inhabited by techie geeks, drinking cokes to stay awake as they traverse through code after code. Perhaps, its biggest impact has been in the way we interact with each other and more specifically, dating. This got me thinking! Is the Internet an appropriate dating tool for all people? The concept of “… just the two of us” may work well for white people but they often don’t have a whole community to answer to. In Kenya, the provenance of one’s family is very important. Some may use it as a way to uncover a family’s wealth and prominence but for some families, it also serves a very practical purpose. By their very nature, African families are often large due to the extended family connections. Put that down to a lack of good television to pass the evening hours, if you like, but the fear of marrying a close family relative is very real. My grandmother is fond of recounting the story of some nameless and faceless cousin who met his match while pursuing his education abroad. Before his wife could be properly introduced to the family, he married her and set leave for home with his new wife in tow. Upon their arrival, it was later revealed that the newly weds were closer than they cared to be. They were in fact, first cousins. Whether such stories are merely urban legend or fact is perhaps irrelevant. They demonstrate the concerns revolving the obscurity afforded by the Internet. The African ContextMoreover, in the African context, marriages tend to occur between people who are familiar with each other. Family friends, work colleagues, school chums et cetera are the fodder from which most unions in holy matrimony grow. And even where no direct relationship is evident, the couple usually has at least friends in common. Internet dating requires the meeting of two absolute strangers with no similar history to draw upon. This is a phenomenon alien to the African culture and for many of us it is one that they cannot reconcile themselves with. Take the situation of Okonkwo* (not his real name) whose foray into online dating was out of sheer curiosity. He was not sure what he would get out of it but he did not expect a lasting relationship to evolve with any of the matches he corresponded with. After all, he points out, “It is not in our culture to marry strangers.” After a few disastrous dates, he withdrew his profile and has recently re-entered the single bar scene. “At least, there I get what I pay for!” he concludes with a lecherous wink. It is not just those of the Okonkwo school of thought who are wary of meeting a mate online. Many people are hesitant to use online dating services. And rightly so! The underlying theme in all horror stories on online dating is the deception perpetrated on the unsuspecting. One experience is that of a young man who drove for several hours to meet his “date” only to discover that the picture she had submitted online was taken fifty pounds ago or that of a young woman who was thrilled to have met a hip, fashionable African, only to find out that in person he was more homosexual than metrosexual. The Anonymous FactorYet, in spite of the drawbacks the anonymity of the Internet is its greatest gift. The persona that a user can adapt is only limited by his or her imagination. Take for instance Naana* who submitted various profiles on one website, “ I tried it for fun and while I never followed up on it, I was amused to see the different responses I received, and if I remember correctly, my profile pretty much said voluptuous, (which apparently guys read as big boobs and I meant as overweight but curvy) and loves high heels, which was read as total freak!” Nevertheless, for many sisters this is an opportunity to meet a man who is interested in forging a long-term relationship. Take Mary* for example, who became dismayed when her career as a successful consultant proved to be too intimidating to the brothers that she met on the single bar scene. The fact that she worked sixty hours a week and made more money in a month than some of her dates would ever see in a year was a hurdle to her finding true love. The Internet allowed her to meet like-minded professional brothers whose busy careers would otherwise not allow for conventional dating. Mary* met a surgeon who like her, was online because he simply didn’t have the time to pursue conventional dating opportunities. They hit it off in long emails and flirty IM’s and they ended up meeting and dating. It was short lived though because according to Mary* the passion offline was not comparable to the passion online. Online relationships may appeal to the romantics among us, because of its private and non-confrontational medium. One can write flowing love sonnets online, when his offline raps may consist solely of “You are the only sugar in my tea”; for example, Kojo* who is known to call his poetic friends frantically while IMing in order to get the most seductive online rap possible. Different StrokesHowever there are success stories. Taimi* from Atlanta started chatting with Sipho* from South Africa online over 2 years ago. She went to Johannesburg for a short stint with work about a year into the relationship. She was there for 3 months and they met and hit it off. “There were obvious hiccups of course, but all in all we are a good match”. They have visited each other 3 times since then with Taima using every vacation to go see him. She said the relationship has brought her closer to home. She left Namibia several years ago and remained in the US as a refugee. She never went back to the continent until meeting Sipho. They are making plans to wed in the coming year. Online dating is a Y2k method of dating. Like all dating, it is fraught with risk and disappointment, however there is a possibility of success.The question is whether or not the existing sites
are best suited to our needs. Popular American sites like lavalife.com
don’t always have the clientele we are looking for, and sometimes
African sites seem filled with profiles like “Honestly married
but...hopefully looking for romance and long term relationship with an
understanding lady from any race. I am 5.6ft tall brown. More later..…” The jury is still out on whether online dating works for us African folks or even if it is a good idea. For every successful couple, there is surely the date from hell. But in the quest for love, nothing is ever easy. And whether you chose to prowl the bars, churches or the web, remember that sometimes taking, “the road less traveled, can make all the difference.” Names have been changed to protect privacy. Caroline Wangoike is
a multitalented, wearer of many hats, one of which is freelance writer
from Kenya, living in Boston, MA. |
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