Surviving infidelity ...contd.

time. One night when he wasn’t where he said he would be, I took it upon myself to play detective. I found out that he had never stopped seeing the girl; after that there was no turning back. We have a son together and even though he still wants me to come back, any love that I had for him is dead. Raising my son alone is hard but I know I made the right decision”.

If you asked anyone who knows Yinka*a Nigerian and her husband they would say they had the perfect marriage. They are very affectionate and loving. However Yinka* confided that her husband had had an affair in the early years of their marriage. She was devastated when she found out; because she thought her relationship transcended all that. “He was my dream man, I thought our marriage would be like a fairy tale” However when she found out, she was undone. “I couldn’t understand it, what was missing from our life”. They had only been married a year and had no real problems “I mean we only had trivial disagreements, what movie to watch, who should do the dishes, you know petty stuff, we were happy” When she confronted him, he immediately came clean. The most important thing that Yinka wanted to understand was why? It was also the source of her frustration. During the process of reconciliation she kept asking him why and he would always reply “It just happened”. “That used to drive me crazy, because if it just happened once, what’s to stop it from happening again? You know how our men are…they don’t communicate, what saved me was that I had gotten our pastor involved. After they talked, he answered all my questions. It didn’t make everything okay, but it helped me understand him and our relationship better.

When asked if she would recommend staying and trying to work it out, Yinka responded with some ambivalence “I don’t know what I would recommend, every situation is different, as for me, my marriage seems stronger and my husband is more attentive and more loving than ever, we are even expecting our first child, we love each other but I tell you it’s hard to trust again. Me, I always have that nagging fear in the back of my mind, what if?

Enter Gabriella, a self described take no mess woman. She is 36, single and a successful interior designer whose mother is from Haiti and father is from Cameroon; she was raised in Brooklyn. She was married exactly 10 years ago, and within the first year, she learned he had a one night stand. She kicked him out immediately. “Infidelity has always been a deal breaker for me”. When asked how she felt at the time she responded, “I was enraged, it was either kill him or kill myself”. Years later after the dust has settled and the wounds have healed, she frowns when she thinks about it. “Honestly, I wonder sometimes if I was too rash…”

No matter how thin you slice it, infidelity in a relationship is always a devastating experience, especially for women. If you choose to try and work through this, experts recommend following these guidelines

Recognize your anger and hurt are valid. Under no circumstances should you rationalize away your feelings. Sweeping feelings under the rug and putting on a brave face for the world may lead to greater resentment and even cause self-destructive behavior.
Face up to what he did, but only what he did. Do not make excuses for his behavior. If he had an affair, then he had an affair. He must own it and so must you. However it is important that you do not start thinking up other crimes to add to his plate.
Try to understand. Infidelity means different things to different people. Many women believe that if he cheats then he really doesn’t love his wife or he isn’t happy at home. Sometimes that has very little to do with it. Dr Shirley Glass who has written extensively on the subject found that 56 percent of the men she sampled who had extramarital intercourse said that their marriages were happy, versus 34 percent of the women.
It is normal to ruminate. Some men will say, “why can’t you just let this go”, but it is completely normal to want to go over the details several times. For one thing it is a form of desensitization and secondly it is attempt to see what the red flags were, so you could recognize them again if necessary.
However while ruminating there has to be a point at which you stop punishing and start forgiving.
All lot of couples are choosing to try and work things out. It is not the same kind of forced acceptance of the affair that we saw in generations past. Women accepting because they had no choices but rather a determination to make the marriage better from both sides.
Counseling is not necessary but it can be very beneficial.
There are points when it’s okay to throw in the towel. If in spite of best efforts i.e. counseling, family intervention, attempts at forgiveness, that affair is still continued, then a separation might be in order.
Loving your husband and trying to forgive, doesn’t make you weak.
Both parties should be willing to be open and honest; otherwise it will make it difficult to rebuild trust.

A marriage is not only sacred but can be a powerful tool in the development of individuals, families and even societies. However while recognizing the power of an intact marriage, it also important to note that when one party desecrates the sanctity of marriage then it can also become a negative force in the betrayed spouse’s life. Sometimes it can be so negative that it becomes detrimental to her wellbeing to remain in the marriage and sometimes it can be overcome. It is important to take stock and review honestly your marriage, yourself and your spouse. Some marriages should not be saved, and some need not be discarded so quickly. Infidelity can deal a mortal wound but it is sometimes possible for that heart to heal.

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