Surviving Infidelity

As African women some of us are programmed to think infidelity is an unfortunate reality of marriage. Many of us became aware at a young age that our fathers or father figures were or have been guilty of this very issue.

‘You know men will be men’ ‘That he lost his senses one day is not a good reason to leave him’. Talk about infidelity among older African women and this is the sort of comment you will hear. For most of Africa, women have no true rights in society. Many countries are not only patriarchal but also oppressive to women in one way of another. In cases like these women do not have the luxury of debating the issues, they simply must deal with whatever is handed out because it is necessary to have a man in order to comfortably navigate through society. The Ibos endorse this when they say Di bu ugwu. A husband is a woman’s honor.

However though many modern African women were raised in societies like the aforementioned, they are also heavily influenced by western standards of love and relationships. Furthermore because open communication between mothers and daughters is not the norm, the only resources for information may have been their peers, movies, soap operas and romance novels. These sources fill one’s minds with notions of relationships that were particularly fantastic. Ideas of kisses that leave one breathless with dreamy soundtracks playing in the background; True love only being expressed by two dozen roses and expensive jewelry. Needless to say that some of us are left so unprepared for marriage and relationships that when real life hits we are as unprepared as a West African village would be for a winter blizzard.

In the western world infidelity in considered one of the great betrayals of one’s spouse. It is absolute grounds for divorce. When polled most women say they would leave their spouse if he cheated on them. However it is not always that simple. Many women have stayed with their spouses after adultery. Why, the reasons are as varied as the individuals, some cite finances, others children and some because they believe that the relationship can survive the act. So we ask the question, can a relationship survive infidelity. If so how does a couple do it? Is there a formula, a better way, or should we even try to work it out?

Tina* a Liberian had been married for 2 years when she discovered her husband had been having an affair since before their wedding. After confronting him, she asked him to leave. “I almost went crazy, I knew we were having problems but I never thought it was as bad as this.” They had been separated for 3 months when serious pressure from family coerced them to try to work things out. “He swore he had cut things off with the other girl and we started going to counseling. During counseling we would just be yelling and screaming at each other. I felt like I could never trust him and he felt that I had trapped him into marriage because I was pregnant at the time; As if I was the only one having sex! It was a very painful time. Most of the time I wanted to just give up but my parents put me under such pressure saying that divorce would bring shame unto our family. Anyway, we tried. At first he seemingly tried hard. He came home early, always told me where he was going, this lasted for about 6 months, but then the late phone hang-ups started coming and I started being unable to reach him on his cell phone for hours at a Read More >