I want a baby
the emotional side of infertility
First comes love, then
comes marriage, what happens when there's no baby in the baby carriage?
When the desire
to be a mother is not affirmed by a baby, it is hard on any woman, regardless
of race or nationality. As young women, we generally take healthy pregnancies
for granted and focus more on methods of birth control. We chant the mantra
of “with the right man, at the right time” but sometimes when we find
the right man and we think it's the right time, we find that having a
baby doesn't quite work as planned.
What is infertility?
Infertility
simply defined is the inability to conceive. However infertility cannot
be simply defined. Fertility challenges present themselves in different
forms. Some women have problems conceiving, others have problems with
recurrent miscarriages.
Why does it happen?
Sometimes
the reasons behind infertility are clear-cut, other times they are not.
There are a whole host of possible reasons behind the inability to conceive,
antibody issues, low sperm count/motility, scarring around fallopian tubes/uterus,
the list goes on and on. Sometimes conception just does not happen and
no doctor can give a physical reason.
A common cause
of infertility is miscarriage. Most doctors don't consider miscarriages
significant until you have had three or more in a row or if they are late
term miscarriages. 1st trimester miscarriages are actually extremely common,
some medical professionals estimate that as many as 30% of all pregnancies
result in miscarriages. Generally 1st trimester miscarriages are usually
as a result of chromosomal abnormalities, so it is a form of natural selection.
However the risk of genetic abnormalities increase when the mother to
be is over age 35, as women age, the eggs have been found to have a higher
risk of chromosomal abnormalities. Also after age 35 fertility in general
starts to decline, hence the whole biological clock thing!
How do we feel?
When any woman
experiences fertility challenges, it can be a taxing and traumatic experience
but when an African woman experiences them, it can be doubly so. She often
experiences feelings of inadequacy, guilt and isolation.
Is it
my fault?
No matter which
partner has the specific problem (when one can be defined) African society
generally looks at the situation as being the woman's fault. Many women
internalize this. Amina* confided “even though every one said not to worry
that it was simply Allah's will, I felt so guilty. I know its crazy because
the doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me”
Am I less of
a woman?
Most African
women have been socialized to believe that a great deal of their worth
comes from the opportunity to be mothers. Therefore when an African woman
is unable to have children, she may question her role in her marriage,
her family and even in society. Uche* talks about her mother's experience
“My mother had 6 miscarriages before she had me. People tell me her personality
changed so much before and after I was born. The strain of not having
children changed her from a strong woman to a timid woman. In fact when
my father took a second wife, she didn't say anything. After I was born
though she became more lively.”
Am I alone
in this?
In the western
world, when a woman finds out she has fertility challenges; she has her
husband to lean on. In fact in many cases it is a couple that is described
as reproductively challenged, however in the African context the onus
generally lies with the woman alone. In a culture where men are still
rarely involved in the specifics of childbirth, they also tend not to
be particularly involved in the specifics of infertility.
Furthermore
the stigma attached to infertility in our community makes women feel like
they have to hide their problems. Yemi* recounts her experiences with
miscarriages “I felt so alone. I couldn't confide in anyone,” she said.
“I actually started to believe something was wrong with me, perhaps I
was cursed or something, it got to the point that I almost considered
going to a native medicine man, I was getting so desperate”
How society makes us feel?
In the
west, a woman deals with the physical and emotional trauma of being infertile
and African women deal with the additional cultural trauma and family
pressure. “For most African women, fertility is the ultimate responsibility
of a woman. A woman who cannot reproduce is considered at best a source
of pity, at worst a pariah. As one woman said “you know back home, you
are not considered a woman until you have had a child.”
Familial
pressures
“Within a year
of getting married, the pressure already started, when is the baby coming?
when is the baby coming? It never ends, every conversation ends with “we
are waiting for our blessing”. We just bought a new home and I started
a new company, this pressure is the last thing I need right now” Jumoke*,
a businesswoman in New York, who just celebrated her 3 rd wedding anniversary
complained.
“It's
like never mind being a good wife, forget about having a great career,
the most important thing you are supposed to do is just get pregnant”
says Nana* whose mother insisted she bathe in bathwater spiked with a
female goat's urine.
Michelle*
was made to subsist on a diet of mostly new yam for over 6 months. She
said, “I was so constipated, I was practically addicted to ex-lax.”
When asked why
they agreed to submit to such unorthodox treatments, they both say they
didn't do it because they believed in the effectiveness of the treatment;
instead they did it to get some peace from the constant pressure.
The pressure
may seem like a piece of cake when compared to the insults and hostility
some women face.
Open
animosity
Infertility
sometimes brings out the worst in people. Mothers, who may have danced
at their son's weddings, turn on their daughter in laws in the twinkle
of an eye.
Mary*, a Ghanaian
formerly married to a Nigerian recounts her experience. “I have been called
everything from a witch to a mammy-water! My mother-in-law was relentless;
she launched a brutal campaign against me. I went to every doctor, had
every test twice and the doctors could find nothing wrong with me. My
husband became distant while his mother told everyone who would listen
that I was eating my children in the womb. Even though she lived back
home and we were here in America, her campaign was effective. My husband
and I eventually divorced. I really believe that saved my life. Anyway
I just got engaged and you know what, I'm 4mths pregnant.”
This trend even
happens among women who consider themselves christians. “My cousin Mina's*
sisters-in-law started spreading rumors about her. They said she had a
spiritual covenant that she would get rich instead of having children.
They used the church as their platform. They kept proclaiming that saw
it in visions and it had been confirmed by various prophets; My cousin
is a strong Christian but she actually got so messed up that she went
to her own pastor and asked him to help her get delivered even though
she knew that she hadn't done anything. She came to visit me and go for
fertility testing. I went with her; I saw her despair each time the doctor
told her that she needed more tests. She wanted a baby more than anythin,
and she has to deal with that pain along with her husband's sisters.”
Sometimes even
having a child cannot vindicate a woman who has been called infertile.
Amaka* tells her tale” I had several miscarriages. Somehow miraculously
I carried my pregnancy to term in my sixth year of marriage. My mother
in law had been running all over town saying all sorts of things. She
even brought another woman for my husband to marry. When I delivered,
instead of rejoicing, she was sullen, I think she was unhappy to have
been proved wrong”
The attacks
some of these women face create pain that can sometimes be worse that
the pain of not being able to conceive. Culturally a woman's main purpose
is to bear children and while society at large may recognize that children
are a gift from God, they tend to believe that if you have not received
that gift then it is due to some fault of your own. If you look at modern
day pop culture in Africa, the movies, the music, whenever a woman's infertility
is mentioned it is usually said that she did something wrong or some one
is attacking her spiritually or supernaturally. The result of these pressures
and societal assumptions can be devastating to the woman.
The emotional cost
Everyone has
heard similar stories before. It often makes for titillating gossip in
conversations that start with “Can you imagine?” or “Come hear tory O!”
but the cost to the victims in these stories is high, sometimes prohibitive.
In addition to the emotional trauma of infertility, they often have to
deal with added society drama, whether it as extreme as your mother in
law calling you a witch or simply being a source of gossip for your girlfriends,
the pain is real and compounded.
Mary* emphatically
agrees. “My dear, I was on Prozac for a year. It was awful, I was so depressed
and I think that was part of what caused my divorce”.
“Most people
cannot conceptualize how difficult it is” Amaka* a consultant, said while
she cradled her year old daughter. “I couldn't focus on work, or anything.
I had previously been on the fast track at work, and even though my husband
was very supportive, it was difficult for me to come to terms with the
situation. I had always gotten along with my husband's family, but our
fertility issues put such a strain on our relationship, that now my husband
and I are hardly on speaking terms with his family”
When Mina* was
asked how her sisters in law's behavior had affected her, she started
to cry, “It broke my heart. As if the pain on not been able to have a
baby is not enough, I had to contend with these ridiculous accusations.
I was arguing and crying every day. My doctor kept saying I needed to
de-stress, but how can you de-stress when a fire is burning in your home.”
Nana*
also felt just as distraught, “Where do I start? From my husband's sisters
to even some of my friends, the rumors ran wild. It pained me so much;
I didn't know what to do. If not that I have faith in God, I would have
lost my mind. My husband would comfort me at night but in the light of
day, he found it difficult to deal with the drama. Thankfully he was adamant
about not marrying another wife. By God's grace, we tried IVF and it was
successful, today we have a bouncing baby boy!”
Do we have other options?
These
days medical science has made some amazing advances. In vitro fertilization,
surrogacy, hormone therapy etc, and if medical science fails there is
always adoption. There are seemingly several remedies to the challenges
to becoming a mother.
Unfortunately
even medical science is not foolproof; most of the infertility treatments
are costly and not 100% effective. Most women in the western hemisphere
that attempt these procedures have family support as well as support from
friends and support groups.
Generally even
if an African woman tries one of these solutions, she often cannot share
her feelings with or get the support of others in her community. She is
often alone in the process, even when her husband is with her. This is
because we have been so conditioned to keep our troubles secret. Studies
have shown that it is beneficial for women to share the fears and concerns
about issues, hence the popularity of support groups. While most African
women would not go to a support group, it would be beneficial for each
person to be able to talk freely with other women. The few that have done
so found it to be beneficial. “When I had my miscarriage, many
women I talked to after a while confided that they had one as well, some
had even 2 or 3 and finally I understood how common it really was and
it helped calm my fears”.
Will infertility continue to be
an issue in our community?
The reality
of today's African woman is that she is making the decision to become
a mother later and later in life. The focus has been on creating a successful
career, finding the right man and then having a baby. It used to be that
women would get married at 22, but these days most women don't even think
about marriage until well after 26 and many do not marry until age 30
or above. Studies have shown that fertility starts to decline after age
35. Some researchers suggest that the decline starts as early as age 30.
Considering
the fact that modern day African women are starting families later in
life, it stands to follow that even more women will experience fertility
challenges. The societal attitude towards infertility as it stands is
detrimental to African women physically, emotionally and spiritually.
If this trend continues we may see an increase in depressive disorders
even up to suicidal tendencies.
What can we do to change the status
quo?
The defining
factor in a situation like this is whether or not the spouse/partner is
involved and supportive. For many of these situations, the familial pressure
comes from the husband's side of the family. However a man dictates the
way his family treats his wife, so if he stands by his wife one hundred
percent, then his family will be forced to, or at least keep their opinions
to themselves.
Sometimes
it doesn't matter how many people do or don't support you, if the right
people support you. Amaka* said, “when I had my fourth miscarriage, my
husband told me how much he loved me, he told me that of course he was
disappointed but that it was not the end all, be all. For him, the most
important thing was that we were together, healthy and happy.” Our men
have often been removed from the process of childbirth, so it is typical
for them to take a back seat from the situation whether good or bad. However
dealing with infertility cannot be a solo affair, if a couple is to survive
and even overcome it, it must be a team effort.
The second
thing we can do to change the status quo is to show compassion as women.
Many a woman has gossiped about someone else's bad luck, only to have
it turn around and happen to her or her children. Infertility is usually
an unfortunate circumstance that befalls a woman or man often through
no fault of their own. Furthermore regardless of the cause the impact
is still the same. If we as women, the guardians of society decide to
show compassion in this particular area, then we set the standard for
how women are to be treated in this situation.
Thirdly we can
create environments that are conducive to open and honest discussion.
Many women keep their sorrows to themselves for fear of being a target
of gossip or pity. However studies have shown that the ability to share
one's problems verbally releases stress. Furthermore the more we share
our situations; the more we share information that is sometimes key to
getting the best medical care possible.
A child is a gift. Unfortunately
not all of us are opportune to have this gift, and some will have to struggle
for it. We must understand the impact of infertility on African women
and work to create a more compassionate atmosphere.
*Names have
been changed for privacy
by Ekene
A Onu
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